Swingtown Today

Odd that I would pass a bus ad for “Swingtown,” a new, retro TV show that follows the trials and tribulations of those wacky 70s wife-swappers, on my way to my latest gig. Having been happily ensconced in an “adults only” world off and on for over a decade, I thought I’d pretty much sampled every non-sex job the sex industry had to offer, from receptionist (at a body rub biz and at a house of domination), to pro-dom, to stripper (albeit briefly as I lack the hustling gene). So when I saw the ad on Craig’s List for “swing party hostess” I thought, “That’s a job? And why hasn’t anyone ever told me I can get paid to watch folks screw?”

Well, yes and no. The standard swingers party is for couples and single women only – no single men allowed, thus no need for hostesses. But because Erick – the fabulous black queen at the other end of the Craig’s List ad – admits single guys to his debauched shindigs he needs extra women to even things out. The hours are 7-11 on most weeknights, 10-2 on weekends, the pay twenty bucks an hour “plus tips,” which could mean nothing if you’re mostly voyeur like me, or rent if you’re an insatiable fuck freak like Star, a towering Amazon of a black woman with huge tits and ass, which she parades around free of charge as she methodically attacks each and every man that enters Erick’s candlelit and incense drenched, three-floor midtown loft. (In all fairness to the sexual Energizer bunny, I honestly don’t know which men Star is charging for her services as she’s like an indiscriminate tornado, sucking up every penis in her path, business dealings seeming a mere afterthought. Erick is forever asking her to slow down before she wears out all the customers.)

I know she’s not charging Wilson. Ahh, Wilson – one of the many former/current/aspiring porn stars that form Erick’s vast entourage. (Did I happen to mention Erick is my new best friend?) The first time I saw Wilson enter the top floor lounge my Pavlovian response to muscled Adonis’s kicked in and it took all my willpower not to drop to my knees, begging to body worship. Wilson is straight out of my “Gaiety guys I must fuck” category. A pierced and tattooed Puerto Rican bodybuilder and personal trainer with a killer smile who eventually confided to me that he’d done gay porn in his “younger days” (he’s 26!) for Tony and Michael over at Lucas Entertainment, Wilson’s only flaw is that he’s, well, nice. Sweet and shy. A good guy supporting his girlfriend and four kids, not a bad boy bone in his body. Ick. Though I did manage to wrangle a taste of his big fat dick – after Jada, a sweet black stripper from the Bronx with enormous T&A had had her way with him, that is. While he was eating her out, she and Bianca, a young, innocent Latina hostess from the Bronx, gushed over how sexy Paris Hilton is. Wilson held up his pinky and waved it. “Eew. You like her, too?” I asked. He removed his face from Jada’s vagina long enough to explain that he doesn’t like thin girls. As my hard-on wilted freestyle music filled the room, taking me back to those long gone 80s. “Oh, yeah, my mom used to play this when I was little,” Wilson added. I felt like a skinny, creepy old queen.

So I just contented myself with sitting temptingly near the Adonis, to playing with his nipple piercings, to inhaling the glorious testosterone – when he wasn’t being greedily gangbanged by Star and her aggressive body parts. Technically Wilson’s job is security “plus” (wink, wink) but Erick’s parties are so laidback that security doesn’t seem to be an issue. Not like the weird mix of cute couples, young, single and surprisingly decent-looking guys (everyone from white shoe lawyers to blue collar construction workers), the porn stars and ghetto strippers all lounging around in towels are suddenly going to get up and riot. To wit, the only tense moment occurred when the crap freebie “NYC condoms” kept slipping off Wilson’s dick the one time I was trying to blow him. (I threatened to call 311 to complain. “The mayor keeps cock-blocking me!”)

Of course, where there’s a cock there’s a way. Right off I’d suggested to Erick that he put an ad for “Str8 Guys on the DL” on Craig’s List so I could watch some live gay porn. The number of responses Erick received shocked him. Within a week I’d climbed the ladder from lowly “hostess” (dispensing towels and locks for the lockers when not cheering on the players, shuffling between the sparsely furnished, downstairs “couples room” and the upstairs lounge with giant couch, urban Brazilian porn on the TV, and a curtained-off boudoir area) to the chick who walks around flirtatiously whispering in every man’s ear, “So. Do you suck cock?”

Such are the times when my gay male soul can shine through my biological female body without getting punched in the nose. Though for every “yeah, sometimes” there are several “no, thanks” the effort can pay off. Like the night I got a cute black guy with an enormous cock to blow Erick’s friend Anthony, a pretty Latin boy with dreamy eyes, as he was jerking him off. The black guy was a cock-sucking virgin, Anthony an eager young thing on the DL. Yum. Needless to say, I decided to hook enthusiastic Anthony up with my gay porn contact. “Why are you trying to get all my friends to do gay porn?” Erick cried. (Uh, maybe because you have friends like the cute, straight Latin stripper who works the gay clubs – and even knows former Gaiety boy Tyler who now manages Club 20!) “He sucks cock? But he’s my friend! I never knew! How can you tell?” Erick endlessly wondered about this one and that, professing shock at my bi and gay-for-pay radar even as he was using me as an undercover DL spy (“Ask him!”). Simple, darling. I can pick up the scent of hustlers and rough trade from a mile away.

Not that these swing parties are all about the cock. No, there’s erotic yoga as well. Jude, the fantastically fit, nearly fifty-year-old, pot-smoking “cougar” hostess, a forensic psychologist who’s married to her master and has been friends with famed BDSM filmmaker (and submissive) Blue for thirty years, has been known to perform a calisthenics regimen in front of the TV porn from time to time. (So what makes this yoga erotic? The setting – duh!) And Jude isn’t the only crossover from the S&M world to grace Erick’s parties (not that Jude doesn’t cross over from several scenes herself, having worked at the iconic punk rock Mudd Club – I was shocked when Thrill Kill Kult’s “Sex On Wheels” blared from the speakers courtesy of Jude, and more recently joined the political performance pranksters Billionaires for Bush). Johnny, a nipple torture enthusiast who plays at Paddles and has known the legendary Lenny of Hellfire Club for decades, is a regular. And Jude also has some flexibility competition from Erick’s friend Legend, a well over six-foot-tall black man with a to-die-for bod who I asked if he played sports in addition to personal training. “Yeah, I used to be in the circus,” he replied, detailing the years he spent with UniverSoul.

Then there’s Liquid, a black bisexual hostess who won’t do girls darker than she. “She’s a white girl inside,” Erick laughed, and indeed, Liquid sounds exactly like Elle from “Legally Blonde.” And there’s also the sharp, twenty-something, Latin female/ black male couple that arrive suited up in business attire – only to immediately strip, never to leave the boudoir area for the rest of the night! (Turns out they’ve been together for three years and public sex is how they decompress after a long hard day. I have a feeling this relationship will last, with lots not to tell the grandchildren about someday.) And of course I can’t forget to mention Erick’s cousin George, a tall teddy bear of an ex-con with gold teeth, who bounces around the room like a kid in desperate need of Ritalin. “It’s my wife. Hi, baby!” he exclaimed, answering his cell during one of his rare moments of sitting still on the couch. “I’m sitting next to a dominatrix!” he added, handing me the phone. “Beat his ass for me!” the voice on the other end yelled. When the entire room suddenly disappeared to the second floor while I was in the bathroom I immediately went downstairs, looking for the orgy. What I found instead left me aghast. Everyone was gathered around the speakers, shaking their towel covered booties to salsa music like at some high school basement party. I was the resident pervert for sure.

When Star started devouring a little Puerto Rican guy half her height Erick coaxed me over to watch the show while he gave a play-by-play. “Oh, her wig is gonna fall off!” he whispered as Star’s weave began to wave. “She’s gonna crush him!” he exclaimed as Star flipped the small man onto his back with a move straight out of WWE. The guy turned out to be quite cool, though. After Star had had her fix he tried to pick me up but I demurred, letting him in on my “secret.” Being a guy on the inside I fuck vicariously through man-on-man action. “That’s very interesting,” he nodded, accepting and intrigued.

And I guess that’s the best part of the swing “gig” for me, the freedom to be my male self (swingers parties are just gay bathhouses for straight-identified people after all!) I can wear undies and a T-shirt, no makeup, not like when I have to pretend to be a girl at Pandora’s, posing as a corseted, high-heeled dom. When Erick shouts, “This is my favorite song!” he looks conspiratorially at me as the hip-hop lyrics sing, “Wave your dicks in the air!” It’s me he sends over to freak out the straight black guy who does odd jobs for him, who he can’t seem to get rid of. (“You fool around with guys?” I bluntly asked the paint-covered dude. “Nah, I’m forty. I’ve got kids at home,” he answered uncomfortably. “I won’t tell them,” I countered sweetly. “Nah, I’m good,” he added, starting to panic.) I guess the only drawback is the low pay so I still troll Craig’s List. Matter of fact, I just emailed a guy – a bi hustler in search of a girl to do joint sessions with his clients. According to Lorenzo’s website he’s an Italian-American, 6’3”, 210 lb. bodybuilder.

To be continued.